Tips on how to cope with disagreements in relationships

Disagreement image
Source: Google images

Over the years i have found that a lot of times married couples or those in committed relationships like to pretend about the struggles that they face in their marriages, thereby misleading singles into believing that there are no tough days. It is important to be prepared mentally and otherwise before venturing into any serious relationship as it will either make or mar you. Being married for two years has taught me a lot more than i was ever taught in my marriage counselling classes, and it has made me learn so much about attributes i never believed i had (which is a good thing if you look at the bright side of it). I am more understanding and patient now, and i try not to act on impulse especially when i am very angry or happy. I believe these issues should be discussed more instead of just sweeping them under the rug and acting like they don’t exist.

Religious marriage counsellors tend to give you a glimpse of what is to come but do not actually paint the whole picture (not to discredit pre marriage counselling please). Conflict or disagreement between married couples is normal and does not imply that there is no love lost between the two, if anything, it makes you realize how much you mean to each other especially if both parties understand each other. That being said, the good days should be more than the bad days not the opposite (do not ever condone violence or abuse of any kind, run for your life while you can!)

Based on my experience and that of others i’ve observed, i would like to share some tips that have helped me cope during my challenging times in the two years of my marriage.

  • Communicate and be active listeners while you’re at it; this point cannot be overemphasized (sounds cliche i know but it is what it is). A lot of times we get carried away by life’s events that we forget how important it is to talk to each other. And please not necessarily about serious issues, sometimes keeping each other updated about the day helps keep couples connected and feel more involved. This is more crucial for those in long distance marriages like myself. When there is a disagreement, it is better to discuss it and get it settled. Many marriages have ended over trivial reasons that could have been resolved if both parties had been reasonable enough to talk and hear each other out. Showing lack of interest when the other person is talking leads to more disagreement. Avoid dialogue when any party is angry or furious.
  • Honesty is key; Be honest about how you feel when conflicts are being resolved in marriage. When you lie or withhold information, you end up making matters worse because sooner or later the truth will be revealed and will eventually lead to distrust. On the other hand, if you’re not real with your partner about your likes and dislikes, you will keep getting hurt as a result of your partner not being aware of the reasons for your getting hurt. So be real.
  • Be willing to compromise: When a disagreement is being resolved, it is mandatory that both parties agree to compromise on whatever the reason for the controversy. Being selfish in marriage makes both parties bitter and may subsequently lead to divorce or separation.
  • Let bygones be bygones: After matters have been settled, it is only wise to forgive each other and move on with life on a happy note. Constantly making reference to past conflicts will affect the relationship negatively. Just learn from past mistakes and be better next time.
  • Go on dates occasionally or as often as possible; This last tip sounds so simple and predictable but i assure you that its one of the things most married couples hardly do. Spending more time together helps you create sweet memories that you both will cherish when your aged and it brings you closer together in love and friendship. If you have to schedule date nights or days please do so. Besides, that’s what most ladies desire but hardly ever ask if the men do not offer. The more time you spend with each other, the better for your relationship. it does not have to be expensive.

I hope this write up is educative and inspiring enough to make someone in a committed relationship going through a tough time feel better. For those who are single please learn from those who are experienced so you don’t end up making decisions you will regret later.

If you have more tips to share please do that in the comments section, thank you for reading.

Until next time,

Love more and worry less!

Supposed happily ever after

Remind me again why most single women believe once you meet a nice looking guy and get married all your problems will be washed away at the altar and from then on everything will be perfect?

Well sorry to disappoint you ladies, this is time for real talk. Honestly you need to wake up from that slumber! Do not get me wrong I was a victim of that fantasy before I met my husband and got married. I love him to death and he is the love of my life but HELLO welcome to the real world where real imperfect people live.

Growing up I thought i had it all figured out in my head that I would meet my perfect charming knight in shining armour and we would never have a single care in the world. I am a happily married military wife and mom of one son but I have to emphasise that it hasn’t been easy. I mean it’s hard enough being married to a military man especially under the circumstance my husband and I met and fell in love (story for another day). He was practically deployed to a war zone at the time, fighting terrorists in Nigeria. All my life I thought I would marry a business executive (the suit and tie kinda guy lol). It was a rude awakening for me when my then fiancé explained what our lives after marriage would be like (of course the details came after I had said YES lol), at that point I was basking in the euphoria of love and couldn’t care less about what i was geting myself into.

Having to live apart for so long was never part of the plan but ‘oh well military life chose me’ so I embraced it with faith, I mean a lot of faith. So far God has been our source of strength and it’s been almost two years since we were joined in holy matrimony (next month is our anniversary) , I say this with pride joy and  peace that I WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY if given a chance to change my mind.

I haven’t even mentioned adjusting to motherhood yet and this post is this long (haha). Well that’s something i’m still working on. From having my life all to myself and now having to tailor every bit of all I do to my son’s schedule is something I wasn’t quite prepared for. I would give my life for my son any day if need be but realistically speaking, being a mom is the most tasking challenge I’ve ever taken on. It’s rewarding to see your child smile and play with you but I believe first timers need to be more educated about what’s to come after birth. I battled with Post Partum Depression for months and no one noticed, but it was bad. I had heard about it from few friends but never took it seriously. Thank God for resources on the Internet and prayers that helped me heal. Add my job to that equation and imagine how I was feeling (in Nigeria we only get three months maternity leave beginning the day of baby’s delivery, terrible I know!).

And then there’s bills to be paid, no more shopping till you drop #sad face lol, endless planning for every dime you earn. Sleepless nights, rushed baths etc. So single ladies all I can say to you is, take time to develop yourself and start earning a living, don’t be in a hurry to get married because you may end up disappointed and eventually get divorced if you find that you cannot cope.  Above all pray for direction till you have peace with the person coming for your hand in marriage.

Thank you and God bless to all the military men and women who sacrifice their lives daily for their country. To the families of these military personnel, I know it isn’t easy but it is for a good cause and the sacrifice is more than worth it. That is our only consolation.

Until I come your way again, stay safe!